What am I doing?!!!
I started something new, initiated myself into a 156-day project. Whoa. That's quite a commitment.
So I was at the bookstore with a good friend yesterday, browsing Tarot and Oracle cards, and she asked if I ever considered making my own, as she's familiar with my art.
Yes, yes I have.
And I have felt stifled by the prospect of such a big task - wanting to "get it right." I'm fairly new to the exploration of Tarot. But another book I picked up inspired me to start my own exploration in depth. It was a beginners guide to tarot that included spaces to draw your own Tarot images based on the description of each card.
After years of using other people's guidance to learn about various modalities, about myself and the universe, I've decided to give myself my own "homework assignment." With a desire to CREATE my work, to understand myself more deeply, and to share with the world what I know, here's my project:
Create one painting for every Tarot card, at least every other day, completing by December 25, 2019.
Technically it would be December 26 from the day I started; however, I like the possibility of ending at the start of the holy nights (thank you, Sweigh Spilkin for your influence there - I gained a newfound appreciation of the 13 Holy Nights after your guided meditation practice).
This is a big task, at least it sounds like it in my mind. Commitment. Daily practice. Learning something new, for a set time period. Parts of this are very masculine - direct, focused, set framework. My teachers have been suggesting that I need a masculine presence to help balance my yin essence. Yin is all-encompassing, includes everything, flowing, spacious. Yang is direct, focused, stable, structured. I want to allow my yin to play and enjoy herself, and give her some framework to stay balanced, on-track and clear.
Each day will be a mini journey, an opportunity to see what's happening in my world. Let's take a look at what day #1 has brought up, my relationship to beginnings.
0: The Fool: New Beginnings
The Unknown . New Possibilities . Beginnings . Innocence . Unfolding
Yay! I'm starting something new! I committed to something! Look at the line-up of dates - this is gonna be great! Look at the potential, the possibilities this could bring.
Did I make the right choice? Is this the best use of my time & creativity? What will other people think? This seems like a big commitment...
In my work with John and Anna Chitty at the Colorado School of Energy Studies, I've learned about the process of beginnings, middles and endings. They say that our relationship to these aspects of life is dependent on our earliest imprint - from conception to birth. How we deal with beginnings is reflective of the moment we were conceived, how our mother was when we were in utero, and how the beginning of our birth was - if the start of our birth was delayed or complicated, we may have difficulty with beginnings.
I wonder what my mother was thinking when she first conceived of me... Was she questioning her choices, wondering what other people think of her? Sensing in to my birth, and thinking of what I've been told about it, it was both easeful and scary. I was ready to come in to this world, but also not completely trusting of the experience.
An excerpt from The Wild Wood Tarot (0 is "The Wanderer"):
At this moment the burdens of the past are set aside - either for the Wanderer to pick up and take along, or to leave behind if the weigh is too great. The Wheel of the Year is beginning its great cycle, bringing a new range of possibilities and challenges. The Wanderer is ready to make the leap into the unknown - all that is required is faith.
From White Witch Tarot (I just realized both of my tarot decks are WWT... I wonder what the significance of that is?):
Certainty comes quietly
Of its own impossibility
It seems to me that my drawings always start with the unknown - I usually don't have an idea of what they're going to look like. In this case, I started with sensing in to the energy of the Fool, and following the crayons and paintbrush from there. It's a practice in surrender. These images and this process may not make sense to a lot of people (sometimes it doesn't make sense to me!), but I want to allow the process to unfold, to have faith in the unknown. I feel grateful for those who do appreciate and see value in my work. And at the very least, it's fun and interesting to me.
Final note: Reversed (upside down), this Tarot card represents recklessness, which I noticed as I was completing the painting on the first night - I started to check my phone, considering replying to a call, before I had finished cleaning up the space, and I knocked over a glass of a chlorophyll-enhanced water, nearly staining the carpet green. It felt clear that this process requires more respect and intentionality, that it's best to maintain a clear container as I'm working and finish cleaning up the space before moving on to the next thing.
Thank you for reading this far! Thank you for joining me on this journey. And if you have any reflections on what this brings up for you, thank you in advance for sharing.
There is a time for yielding, surrendering, and there is a time for pushing.
Which one it is may change
Moment to moment
AND it is not all up to you to decide and control.
What wants to happen right now? Can you yield to that? How deeply can you listen, find attunement to the rhythm of your body, connected to your soul, connected to the soul of the Universe: co-creating, dancing, listening, pushing, yielding, listening to the natural flow of life....
Do you desire that?
Do you wish to delve deeper in to the magic of you?
You are not doing the pushing and yielding alone. When mothers give birth, the mother and baby are co-creating the process. A contraction happens. The baby instinctively pushes against the uterus, the mother feels this, and works with baby, surrendering to it's push, riding the ocean tide.
You are not doing the push and yield alone!
Other forces, people, creatures are available to support you and are already working with you, whether or not you're aware of it. The more you realize this and acknowledge it, the easier it will be.
Welcome, new life.
What wants to be birthed through you today? What can you yield to in this moment to access your desires?
Intuitive massage therapist, energy healer and somatic coach in Boulder, Colorado, bringing you insight and inspiration on healing and conscious living.